As Grace Church prepares for Dysfunctional Bob’s departure and the arrival of an interim rector, one thing is painfully clear: Any interim brave enough (or perhaps foolish enough) to take the position has her work cut out for her. Specifically, after 30 years of Dysfunctional Bob and his sordid example, the way people in the church talk about each other, and to each other, is appalling.
To be sure, it took me a long time to spot this issue myself. Indeed, it was a member of the Grace Episcopal School staff, herself Episcopal, who pointed it out to me in 2014. Her exact words: “I would never belong to your church, and it’s because of the way people talk to each other. And it goes right to the top. And I’ll tell you right now, Bob will never say anything about it. And because he engages in a certain amount of it himself, he shows people that it’s alright.”
At the time, I foolishly came to Bob’s defense; it was more than a year later before I finally realized that she was absolutely correct.
Now, with the advantage of hindsight, and having seen firsthand that Dysfunctional Bob is morally bankrupt and a perjurer as well, I realize that this ugly discourse does indeed permeate every aspect of Grace Church. Whether it’s Alison Campbell and her fun and games with the altar guild; Lisa Medley and her bullying/bitchy behavior; Teresa Preston and her gestures that indicate she believes I’m mentally ill; Eric Waskowiscz, Amy Medrick and others with their one-gun salutes to Jesus, or Bob Malm in his emails to the vestry and the diocese, there is a profoundly un-Christian attitude within the church that comes to the surface when parishioners talk to each other.
Before we go further, I am not the only one to notice it. Kyle Babin, himself the target of bullying by choir members, called it an “evil spirit” at Grace Church. Former member John Cunningham posted to Facebook, saying he left the parish due to bullying and other abusive conduct (screen cap below).
Additionally, folks at the Wartburg Watch commented on ugly comments from Lisa Medley and Leslie Malm; the former didn’t even have the courage to post under her name. Their comment: “[these parishioners] seem sane to themselves, they seem immature and hateful to outsiders looking at their behavior.” (Screen cap below)
Going right to the top, we have Dysfunctional Bob’s email to the vestry, in which he describes me as a “sad individual...starving for attention.” While this is an interesting bit of projection from Bob Malm, who regularly curries adulation in order to support his shaky sense of self, the fact the he feels comfortable talking about a former parishioner to the vestry in this manner is telling and illustrates the church culture that Bob has promoted during his 30 years with the parish. (Screen cap below.)
Of course, there also is the comment from a college-aged member of Lisa Medley’s family, in which she urges me to commit suicide. (Screen cap below.)
So what can an interim do to address this situation? Establishing written norms would be helpful, but unpacking and fixing 30 years’ of Dysfunctional Bob’s toxic behavior and lessons learned within the parish about conflict resolution will probably take professional intervention. Even then, it’s an uphill battle, and both the diocese and church members like to sweep such issues under the rug and deny that an issue exists. Indeed, toxic parishioners like Lisa Medley not only deny that an issue exists, but also attack anyone who raises these issues. (Screen cap below.)
It should also be noted that Dee Parsons, publisher of the Wartburg Watch, herself experienced Bob Malm’s efforts at bullying and manipulating her. First, Bob tried the noisy bluster approach, which didn’t work at all. Then he tried flattery. Then he tried manipulation, claiming that Dee had promised to take down any posts about me, all the while ignoring Dee’s recommendation to work towards reconciliation.
As one looks at other correspondence from within the parish, including Jean Reed’s speculation that I am mentally ill, as well as former friend Kemp Williams comments, one reaches the same conclusion that user Ishy, a commenter on the Wartburg Watch, came to as she asked church members:
“What kind of Christians are you? I don’t see any love or concern for Eric in your posts. I don’t see that you tried to do anything about it other than make sure Eric couldn’t come back either. (Emphasis added. Original in screen cap above.)
That conclusion holds true for Bishop Susan Goff on down to the Grace Church vestry and membership. Nowhere is there any evidence of any real concern including for Mike and my other family members hurt by Bob Malm’s conduct, and that of the church.
So, if you are a prospective interim and you are reading this, just know that if you take the job you are going to have one toxic mess on your hands, and one that requires professional outside intervention.
On the other hand, if you are a church leader reading this and contemplating hiring Bob Malm as supply clergy, you should know that this is part of the baggage that comes with Bob Malm. Caveat emptor.
Lastly, if you are a prospective member, it is important to know that right behind the beautiful, friendly exterior, this is the sort of internal rot that runs rampant at Grace Church. If you join the parish, this is part of the package deal. To quote Proverbs, “in the tongue is the power of life and death.”
You have to hand it to Bob Malm, Sugarland Chiow, the Grace vestry and the diocese: None of them have half the common sense God gave a goat. Not Christian ethics, not Christ-like behavior. Just good old-fashioned common sense, like don’t stick your finger in a light socket. Or don’t dive into a swimming pool if you’re not sure there’s water in it. Or don’t wander around in the dark if you don’t know where the stairs are.
Specifically, I’m thinking of my conflict with Bob Malm. Both Bob and the parish would have been far better off had Bob heeded my July 2014 warning to quit the fun and games. Or if they had taken me up on my offer in 2015 to settle our dispute in exchange for nothing more than an agreement to leave me alone; through Sugarland, Bob refused my offer.
Then there’s the matter of our previous ceasefire. Bob specifically agreed that he understood that our agreement only extended to me. Not to Mike, not to Mom, not to others. Yet in no time flat he was back to his fun and games, trying to manipulate people on all fronts.
Then there’s the matter of Bob Malm’s perjury. Did he really think that was going to work? His daughter Lindsey allegedly called the police over a post on Fairfax Underground that she didn’t like, and next thing you know Bob has pulled the parish in right behind Lindsey. Smooth move, Bob.
Then we got to Sugarland’s inflammatory rhetoric and courtroom fabrications. Because court filings generally are open to public inspection, much of that is now a public record, available for all the world to see. Did he really think calling me a “domestic terrorist” was going to help the church? Folks seeing that sort of nonsense wind up rolling their eyes and heading for a church with a slightly more, um, Christian ethos. Or leaving church altogether.
And of course the diocese has trashed its own reputation by claiming that clergy perjury is okay unless criminal charges are involved. Facially amoral positions such as this make clear that the diocese is nothing but a badly run nonprofit. Same for the blind eye the diocese turned towards Bob Malm and his efforts to drag a dying woman into court. Did anyone really think that would end well for Bob, the parish or diocese?
In short, there’s nothing even arguably Christian about Bob, the parish or the diocese. One has only to look at their conduct to realize that the Episcopal church is morally bankrupt and mired in the filth of its own hypocrisy. As a result, I predict that, absent a sea change, the forecast that TEC will have no Sunday worshippers in 30 years will come true much sooner for Grace Episcopal and the diocese.
There’s simply no longer any good reason to be a member of The Episcopal Church.
Earlier today, I sent defense counsel by bill of particulars in my lawsuit against Grace Episcopal Church, Susan Goff, and the Episcopal Diocese of Virginia. Following are the relevant screen caps. Several additional actions will be filed in the coming days.
Yesterday, someone associated with Grace Episcopal posted several abusive comments on my change.org petition. I’ve included a screen cap below. And while I have turned these over to the police, as Virginia law makes direct contact of this sort potentially criminal, there’s a larger point here.
The larger point is that, even on a petition involving a dying person, people at Grace Church think this sort of thing is okay. And even having lost almost 1/3 of the church’s pledging units, a 33 percent decline in the church budget since 2008, and a 17 percent decline in attendance, they still don’t get it.
People at Grace Episcopal actually think this sort of behavior is okay for Christians. And they have absolutely no clue why 2/3 of people under age 30 have no use for organized religion, and why 1/3 are actively hostile to religion.
My advice: Avoid Grace Church at all costs. This is just the tip of the iceberg. And avoid Bob Malm—given his attitude and comments about parishioners, it should come as no surprise that people think this sort of childishness is okay.
As we move into 2020, I am now preparing the forms for several additional lawsuits, including one that is directed to a member of Bob Malm’s immediate family. I anticipate filing in the next 20 to 30 days.
In talking the matter over with colleagues, one asked me how I felt about suing a priest. My answer was twofold: 1) Bob is a priest in title only, and 2) Having resorted to court and committed perjury in an effort to shut down scrutiny of his conduct, Bob Malm was foolish indeed if he thought the litigation would end there. So I have no issues with suing Bob or members of his family.
And yes, I anticipate naming Grace Church as a defendant in at least one further case.
As we move into 2020, signs abound of financial trouble at Grace church. These include further declines in pledging, which I believe are due in large part to a growing awareness of just how toxic Grace Church has become.
Over the past two weeks, the number of pledging units has stalled out at 160, for a total just shy of $561,560. That’s a bad sign, for a variety of reasons:
In the past, pledges have continued to come in throughout the final weeks of the year. The lack of an increase during the past two weeks suggests that the pledge campaign has largely run its course.
While there are always a few additional pledges in the new year, the increase historically has ranged from 20-40 units. In recent years, the number of pledges has tended towards the lower end of that range. Moreover, late pledges tend to be smaller pledges. Thus, even assuming 30 additional pledges at an average of $3966, that’s only $118,980, for a total of $680,540. That’s a far cry from the $895,000 or more of past years, and leaves the church with gross annual revenue of approximately $830,540. Thus, the parish faces the prospect of draconian cuts to an already tight budget.
The underlying causes of the church’s decline remain unaddressed, which include a systemic culture of toxicity evinced by behavior that includes:
Bob Malm’s perjury
Suing members and calling them “domestic terrorists”
Sugarland Chiow’s multiple courtroom fabrications
Trying to drag a dying woman into court
The childish, malicious conduct of people like Alison Campbell and Lisa Medley
Members urging others to commit suicide
Unhealthy ways at every level of dealing with conflict
It will not be possible to begin the process of addressing these issues any time soon, as it will take some time for Michael Guy to settle in.
The legacy of 30 years of Bob Malm’s feckless and dysfunctional “leadership” won’t be erased overnight, or even in a year.
The transition process isn’t cheap, and Grace really needs to bring in paid outside experts to address its toxic culture. Even then, Bob Malm’s various misrepresentations about the underlying issues make change problematic, for it is hard to parse the challenges facing the church when prior leadership has engaged in manipulative conduct.
Real leadership is perilously thin in the parish. Indeed, when confronted with a toxic culture like that of Grace church, real leaders typically move on, versus turning a blind eye to unethical conduct such as bullying. And even those regarded as leaders in the parish have no qualms in talking about other people, versus talking to other people. That’s a big problem, and one has only to look at some of the comments from Kemp Williams and Jean Reed to see use how bad things have become in that department.
It can be difficult to ask members to increase giving when so much money has been squandered in the past on Bob Malm’s inflated salary, his $100,000 bonus, the tear-down of the rectory, his overly generous leave, and silliness like taking $3,000 from savings for a farewell party for Chris Byrnes—a Head of School that many teaching professionals do not regard as having been particularly effective, and who spent much of her time engaging in divisive empire building.
Things are complicated by well-intentioned but disingenuous comments like Jason Roberson’s statement in the November edition of Grace Notes, in which he falsely claimed that the church is “growing and flourishing.” It is doing neither, and such comments undercut confidence in the messaging coming from church leadership.
As discussed in previous posts, if the church really is to be a center for “outreach and healing,” it could start by contributing its fair share to the diocese. $80K a year is ridiculously low and far beneath the norms established by the diocese. Going forward, less money wasted on feckless clergy and more spent on outreach would be a good start.
Of course, financial issues are just one small outward manifestation of larger, structural issues. In other words, the church’s financial woes will only be resolved when it solves its spiritual and ethical woes. And with diocesan leadership that is prepared to support Bob Malm and Sugarland Chiow in their misconduct, it’s unlikely that this is going to happen.
There’s a good article on the Wartburg Watch this week, in which friend and fellow blogger Dee Parsons asks the question, why are so many SBC churches in the closet about their SBC affiliation? That got me to thinking—-what about churches that claim to be part of a denomination, but really aren’t? In other words, is Grace really an Episcopal church?
To be sure, at first blush Grace would appear to be fully an Episcopal church. Its governing documents, as poorly done as they are, contain the accession clause required under church canons. Most clergy are Episcopal. The hymnal and Book of Common Prayer are Episcopal. The bishop visits once a year and has to approve clergy hires. Even the sign out front says Episcopal.
But scratch the surface and things aren’t so clear. Given its size, the parish makes only a token financial contribution to the diocese. Similarly, during Bob Malm’s tenure, the diocese did little to address issues in the church, thus allowing problems to fester for decades. (Ironically, the diocese is now in court trying to defend this situation, inter alia claiming that Bob Malm took me to court on his own. That ignores the more than 18 times Bob contacted the diocese about doing so, as well as his claim that the decision to take me to court was a form of “discipline” that he and other parish leadership decided to implement. Additionally, Bob received legal advice and other diocesan support for his efforts, including a letter of endorsement from Bishop Shannon Johnston.)
True, the church is inclusive in the sense of welcoming gays and lesbians. But it has never welcomed non-gender binaries or transgenders, and Bob Malm is very uncomfortable with these issues.
It is this latter aspect that is particularly troubling, and that is Bob Malm’s role in the parish. During this tenure, more than 1 out of every 5 dollars in church revenue went to Bob. Bob personally chose the executive committee, in violation of church canons. Even the nominally self-governing school allegedly restructured so that Bob could send his son James to school there—a claim that, if true, would be highly unethical.
Similarly, the demolition of the rectory—a decision made at Bob Malm’s insistence—wound up costing the church more than $2 million in the years that followed. And Bob was ruthless in ensuring he took every bit of leave available to him, with no regard for the welfare of the parish. Indeed, he once told me that issues with the parish administrator would have to wait, as he was going on vacation.
And so it is with Bob’s claims that I am mentally ill. While few if any parishioners knew or cared if I blogged about my experiences at Grace, Bob worked the traps hard to stir things up at the school, the diocese, and within in the parish with his fabrications.
At the very heart of the matter is Bob’s ongoing effort to obtain recognition and adulation from parishioners. While a healthy pastoral relationship points people to God, Bob points people to himself. In so doing, he routinely undercut relationships amongst parishioners, using derogatory language about almost all parishioners at one time or another. (Recall his references to Jan Spence as an “asshole,” and to Lisa Doelp as “like a little spy.”)
It is this paradigm, in which Bob created a parish in his own image, to reflect his personality and to meet his own needs, that led me to dub Grace Church “Planet Malm.”
In short, while the church is nominally Episcopal, its real reference point is Bob Malm. It is nothing more than a cult of personality, now missing the underlying personality. As such, it is not a church, but rather a religious club organized within The Episcopal Church.
Earlier today, the Alexandria General District court heard my motion to compel. It also received various motions from Diane DiBlasio, the attorney for Grace Episcopal, the Episcopal Diocese of Virginia, and Bishop Susan Goff. The defense motions included a motion to dismiss with prejudice and a motion requesting a bill of particulars. The latter sets forth the reasons a plaintiff believes she or he has a legal cause of action.
The only motion on which the court ruled was the request to schedule a bill of particulars. Thus, I will be filing that pleading by the end of January, the defense will file its response by the end of February, and we will hold the next hearing in March.
Afterwards, I had a moment to chat with Diane, who is very professional and capable. My heads-up to her, which I hope informs her efforts and those of her clients, centers around Bob Malm’s perjury during the discovery phrase of my appeal. (Recall that Bob falsely claimed that my mom, or someone purporting to be her, “time after time” contacted him. This he cited as a primary reason he believed mom’s blog to really be mine.)
So, it will be interesting to see if the diocese, Bishop Goff, and Grace Episcopal want to defend Bob Malm’s perjury. That said, if past performance is any indicator, all three will do their utmost to defend his conduct.
It’s also interesting that defense counsel attempted to assert that this is an internal ecclesiastical matter. With the parish having taken the matter to court in the first place, it is difficult to conclude that this indeed is not subject to judicial review. That said, in fairness to defense counsel, she had little to go on.
As Grace church begins the lengthy process of transition, there are some positive signs. The church, diocese, and vestry deserve kudos for these changes.
First and foremost, we see the wardens and vestry finally assuming their proper role under the Episcopal canons. Instead of Bob Malm personally choosing the executive committee, which is a violation of the canons, and then controlling decisions via his hand-chosen inner circle, we are seeing the wardens and vestry actually exercising leadership as they communicate with the parish, make decisions, and try to map out a path forward for the parish.
Second, we are seeing the parish back away from Bob Malm’s knee-jerk instinct towards controlling and restricting the flow of information. This includes publishing pledge totals (versus deliberately vague information), and greater transparency about decision making.
The problem with Bob Malm’s approach is that secrecy is deadly to a voluntary organization like a church, which depends on the labor, giving and participation of members. Instead of accurate information, secrecy begets the ugly gossip that has roiled for years right behind the scenes at Grace church, ranging from rumors of affairs, to speculation about the sexual orientation of married persons, to claims that one person had a penile implant (seriously!). Such rumor and speculation may seem like harmless fun, but it’s ugly, damaging, hateful, and a powerful disincentive for outsiders to join the church. And it’s often used by persons like Alison Campbell when they want to play the Mean Girls game.
Ironically, Bob’s efforts to control information, which were intended to curtail my access to information, had zero effect on me, other than giving me one more topic to blog about. Data regarding parish giving and governance is readily available via other sources and, like all organizations, there are always plenty of internal sources to leak data. Indeed, more than one member has speculated that all the secrecy means there must be something to hide—which, given Bob’s perjury and other misconduct, is spot-on.
Going forward, the church would be well-served by returning to publishing vestry minutes. The reality is that posting this information on the bulletin board outside the office door does nothing. Yes, persons may glance at it, but no one is really going to glean much information as they try to read it standing in a busy hallway. Similarly, few are going to go to the trouble of contacting Amy Medrick, which in itself alerts clergy to their interest in governance issues.
Similarly, the parish annual report should be on the website. Not providing it keeps nothing secret, and I am well aware of the sharp declines under Bob Malm in pledging units, average Sunday attendance, and other barometers of parish health.
Same for the parish budget. As I have said in previous posts, both the budget and the so-called audit should be available on the website. Lisa Medley claims there is “complete transparency,” but that is absolute bullcrap. Indeed, the vestry does not see the audit engagement letter or the results, let alone parishioners, and existing safeguards were not adequate to prevent Richard Newman from being overpaid for many months, until Jeff Aaron spotted the issue. (I have always suspected that his disclosure of the matter resulted in Bob Malm shoving him out the door. Bob does not like it when his negligence comes to light.) Nor were they adequate to detect the thousands of dollars in unaccounted-for stale checks and cash found in the parish administrator’s office after she retired in 2014.
Keep in mind, too, that the parish will soon have to compile a parish portfolio as part of the search process. All this data needs to be included, and not in a glossed-over manner. The reality is that Bob Malm’s tenure ended with the parish in a period of precipitous, perhaps terminal, decline marked by conflict, outrageous clergy misconduct (aided and abetted by Sugarland Chiow and the vestry), declining giving and participation, and an utter lack of any sort of strategic plan or vision for the future. Indeed, during his final five years, even Malm’s admirers felt that he was thoroughly burned out, indifferent, and focused simply on paying the bills long enough to make it into retirement.
The good news in all of this is that the current wardens are well-suited to the task at hand, and hopefully future wardens will be as well. That said, there remain serious questions about the ability of the parish to recognize, let alone address, the mess left behind after 30 years of Bob Malm.
One of the noteworthy things about my conflict with Bob Malm and Grace Episcopal Church has been the extent of organizational narcissism in the church. This has been typified by the reactions of parishioners, who remain clueless about how their behavior appears to outsiders, while continuing to think that somehow it benefits the parish.
For example, consider the conduct of Sally Schneider, who rolled up to me one day and said, in her typically saccharine way, “Shame on you, Eric Bonetti,” repeating this several times. Sally has zero first-hand knowledge of the conflict, yet thinks she can wade in and pass judgment. Yet I’d be prepared to bet that she would not regard Bob Malm’s perjury as kosher, nor his attempt to drag a dying woman into court.
Similarly, Lisa Medley, who doesn’t even have the backbone to post comments under her own name, preferring instead handles like, “Long-time parishioner,” still can’t figure out why third parties look at her ad hominem attacks on me and respond with comments like, “This group of parishioners is circling the wagons and while they seem sane to themselves, they seem immature and hateful to outsiders who are looking at their behavior.”
The same holds true for Alison Campbell, who tells people that she is “just the messenger,” even as she uses the altar guild and others to try to cause trouble within the parish. She may think that somehow she’s benefitting the parish, Kelly Gable, or others, but the reality is she’s simply showing herself to be childish and hateful, while underscoring that Grace is toxic.
Then we come to the Kemp Williams and Jean Reeds of the place, who are happy to gossip within the church about others and their perceptions of them, yet see no need to discuss those issues directly with the persons involved. Just spend a few minutes searching this blog and you will find examples of their truly ugly comments.
Also among the better examples of toxic behavior at Grace Church are the comments from a twenty-something in the parish, who urged me to commit suicide in the post below.
And of course, we cannot forget Sugarland Chiow, with his multiple false statements of law and fact to the courts, his inflammatory rhetoric, and his various courtroom fabrications, including that I never practiced law. Jeff claims that the church is threatened by “domestic terrorism,” yet brings his wife and children there on a regular basis.
Nor can we forget Big Bad Bob, with his lying under oath (aka perjury), his lies to parishioners, and his false police reports. Truly, the ugly stuff rolls downhill.
Even more problematic is the fact that this sort of behavior is, for many, acceptable within the church. This underscores the organizational narcissism that exists at every level in the church. Yes, attendance and giving are at record lows in the parish, and yes, one-third of pledging units have stopped pledging in recent years. And many have left the parish altogether, preferring somewhere where the Ten Commandments aren’t just a bit of arcane trivia. But the fact remains that many continue to provide financial and other support for this toxic mess. Nor have any of the people identified above ever taken responsibility for their own conduct.
Thus far, parish leaders also have ignored the many things that could be done to address these issues. For example, the vestry could adopt a statement of normative behaviors, making clear the type of conduct that rightly should be present in any church. It could specifically address bullying. It could bring in outside experts in addressing conflict. Yet none of these things have happened, nor have they been discussed in any meaningful way.
Will Michael Guy and the vestry be up to the task? Can they drain the swamp that is Grace Episcopal?
With my lawsuit now filed against Grace Church, the Episcopal Diocese of Virginia, and Susan Goff, an interesting question arises: Will Sugarland Chiow resume his ethically questionable behavior? Past incidents include:
Apparently signing off on the vestry’s talking points, which claimed that Mike and I left the parish on our own, despite the fact Jeff knew otherwise.
Making up a fake church shooting in the nonexistent town of Sugarland Texas.
Falsely telling the Venango courts he had a valid subpoena, and continuing to do so even after he was shown, in writing, the relevant statutory provisions.
Lying to the Alexandria Circuit Court by telling it I had never been licensed as an attorney, nor served as a police officer.
Failing to disclose his client Bob Malm’s perjury, including lying by taking words out of context.
Claiming he had thoroughly read Mom’s blog, yet telling the motions court that he was unaware that she was dying.
Disregarding a court order compelling his client Bob Malm to state how he allegedly had been threatened.
Repeated use of improper, inflammatory language, including referring to the case as one of “domestic terrorism.”
Abuse of process.
Deliberate efforts to use my sexual orientation to try to embarrass and discredit me.
Irrelevant references to mass shootings wholly unconnected with the case at hand.
I recently had lunch with several clergy friends of mine. It was a good time and I was careful not to bring up the matter of Grace Church, for fear of putting friends in an awkward place.
That said, it was not long before the topic came up. I played fair and tried to remain non-committal, instead listening carefully, acknowledging what was said, and hoping not to incentivize further conversation on the topic. Yet the topic quickly grew legs and took over most of our time together.
The upshot was that the more experienced and knowledgable the speaker, the less willing they were to even consider an interim call with the parish. “The place needs a whole lot of work,” said one retired priest. “But those of us who know how to do that sort of work have been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it. At this point, I don’t feel like dealing with the legacy of Bob Malm.”
Younger clergy took a more nuanced approach. “I think it could be a good place to cut your teeth,” said one priest, a former mental health professional. “But it could go south quickly and it would take years to recover,” she quickly added. “You’d probably have to transfer to a diocese on the west coast to rebuild your reputation.”
An older priest, one with ties to Grace Church, quickly shot the notion down: “Bob’s never been popular with the Mayo House crowd, and he’s been getting away with murder for years. Your situation was inevitable, in that we all knew sooner or later Bob would go too far and self-destruct. But I’d be crazy to wade into that mess. No thanks! And you’d be crazy too. I’m just surprised it took so long for Bob to get to that point, and that he was so effective in pulling Mayo House in on his side.”
Later, she added, “It’s interesting. The diocese views [Eric] in many ways as public enemy number one, but in many ways you did them a big favor. The challenge is that the diocese now has to sort things out and so far it remains pretty damned clueless. I just don’t know what’s going to happen.”
Several thousand calories per person later, as we made our way to the door, one very introspective priest said, “It’s just so sad. Such a beautiful church, friendly people. And so thoroughly messed up. I don’t imagine the coming few years will be pretty.”
I finally responded, “Yes, the building is beautiful. The church, not so much. But yeah, people are friendly. At least, right up until you disagree with them.”
Some time ago, I posted an example of a transparent church budget developed by a parish not too far from Grace. Included in the budget were line items for the compensation of each member of the clergy and staff, as well as sufficient detail to allow anyone who’s curious to learn more. Indeed, the church’s budget is published on the parish website for all the world to see.
This contrasts sharply with Grace Church, where former senior warden Lisa Medley shrilly proclaims there’s “total financial transparency.” (That’s in addition to her various lies about me.) That’s a remarkable claim, since:
The church is not audited (contrary to her claims).
Vestry members do not see the accounting firm’s engagement letter when it does its Agreed-Upon Procedures (AUP) review, which has no attestation value. In other words, it is not intended, nor is it likely to, uncover any sort of major issue.
Vestry members, contrary to law and church policy, do not see financials for the school, which constitutes 2/3 of the total annual budget.
There have been major payroll errors in the past that went undetected for months.
Thousands of dollars in unaccounted-for loose cash and stale checks were found in a former parish administrator’s office, with no explanation.
The church does not publicly release its vestry minutes, its financial reports, its budget, or its annual report.
The loan to Bob Malm was carried off the books for years, contrary to Generally Accepted Accounting Principles.
When factoring in depreciation, the parish has been running a deficit for many years.
There have been multiple illegal misuses of restricted solicitations.
Even the AUP was not completed in a timely manner in 2015–a fact not shared with the vestry.
In other words, if there indeed is total transparency at Grace church, then it follows that the Princess Porcine and other vestry members willfully turned a blind eye to the misuse of funds, the stale checks in the church office, the major payroll errors, and more.
So which is it?
Speaking of, below is a good example of financial transparency from the Church of the Holy Comforter in Vienna.
When was the last time Grace Church members saw data of this sort?
Oh, and this was sent to the entire parish email list.
So much for “complete financial transparency” at Grace.
And while we’re on the topic, Lisa Medley publishes details of people’s giving in cyberspace. How did she get that access? What kind of imbecile posts confidential giving information publicly? Did it not occur to the Princess Porcine that publicly showing that giving is NOT confidential is a powerful disincentive to further giving?
Yet another reason to avoid Grace Church, and to refrain from pledging.
If you’re a prospective interim rector at Grace Church and reading this, good for you.
I mean it—the fact that you’re doing your homework is a good sign.
A key observation from my years at Grace Church is that, like many toxic organizations, words don’t mean what you think they do. For example, you and I may think that “pastoral care” has one meaning, but look behind the curtain and it has come to mean something very different at Grace Church. That’s not surprising, as problematic clergy typically shift the narrative over time.
So, since my conflict with Bob Malm and the parish in many ways both illustrates and underscores the problems at the church, here are some questions you might ask of diocesan officials and vestry members before you take the plunge. And while the answers to some are damning indeed, and you may thus be tempted to discount the answers, I encourage you to really dig in and understand this information. My belief is that, if you do, you will have a fighting chance of fixing the mess that is Grace Church.
Here we go:
Did Bob Malm or the vestry ever discuss these issues one-on-one with Eric and his family? If so, what happened?
In the church’s legal pleadings, Bob Malm and the church assert that Eric is mentally ill. How did they reach this conclusion? Did they ever discuss it with Eric? If they believed that Eric was mentally ill, did they ever attempt to arrange care for Eric?
In the court documents that Malm filed, one of the reasons he cited under oath for his belief that her blog is really Eric’s work is that Eric’s mother, Sigrid Yahner, or someone claiming to be her, repeatedly made appointments with Malm and no-showed. Eric claims this is a lie/perjury. Can I see records that show this really happened?
The diocese stated that it would not investigate Eric’s claim that Malm committed perjury unless the latter faced criminal charges. Is that normal policy for allegations of misconduct involving potentially criminal behavior? If not, why did the diocese take this approach?
Early in the conflict, Eric asked the diocese to mediate the conflict. The diocese dismissed this request outright. Why?
Eric claims that Bob Malm instructed church staff to exclude him and his husband from the parish and has an email that appears to show that this is the case. Yet the vestry’s talking points say Eric left on his own. Which is true and how do we know?
Some of Jeffery Chiow’s language in his court documents is over the top, like referring to the conflict as a case of “domestic terrorism,” calling Eric a “serial liar,” and more. Why did the church take this approach? Do you think it was helpful? Similarly, Malm refers to Eric in email to the diocese as “sick,” “twisted,” and “dysfunctional.” Did anyone at the diocese ever object to this? If not, why not?
Vestry minutes show that the vestry knew and approved of Bob’s efforts to take Eric to court. What was the vestry’s role in this matter? How did it effect oversight?
At one point, Eric alleged that the church had illegally misused memorial donations, yet the diocese refused to get involved. Is this normal practice when allegations of misuse of funds come to the attention of the diocese?
The diocese states in writing that these matters were investigated and resolved long ago and that the diocese fully supports Bob Malm. Who was the investigator? Is that person professionally trained as an investigator? Were the allegations of misuse of funds ever addressed by an auditor or law enforcement? Why does the diocese say the matter was resolved when the conflict clearly continues?
In light of the tremendous damage this conflict has caused the parish and the larger church, is it still the diocese’s position that it fully supports Bob Malm? Has bishop Goff ever sat down with Eric to try to understand this conflict?
From your perspective, can this conflict be resolved? What would it take to do so? Are there lessons learned from this conflict? How do you see this conflict affecting the parish a year from now? Ten years from now?